this beer tastes like vomit already
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
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