just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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