does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
