So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
