There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
me + whiskey = a bad person
My Sexting was not on an AP level
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
