I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Randomize
