Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
