yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
