I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
