My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
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I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
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She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
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