Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
