Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
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