i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I skipped work to stalk him.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
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