I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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