i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
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