I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
