Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
