Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
