I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
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