Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
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I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
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yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
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