miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Randomize
