I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
