Pregnant stripper...not hot.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
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