hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I forgot wine drunk hurts
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Randomize
