Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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