new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
