Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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