Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
