it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
sarcasm needs its own font
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There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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