Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
