i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I still have a little drunk in my system
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Randomize
