I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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