i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
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