then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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