my vag is so smooth its legendary
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
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