Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I just want nice things and good sex
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
