the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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