He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
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