there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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