i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
