I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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