I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
he puts the penis in happiness.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Randomize
