Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
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i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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