It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
