Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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