Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I just had sex on a roof
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Randomize
