he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
