a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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