the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
