Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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