Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
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