Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
