I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Randomize
