I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Randomize
