just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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