Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Randomize
