She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
