If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
