On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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