What did we do last night that was yellow?
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
