Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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