Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
